Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Come Thou Font of Every Blessing



That title sounds like a mouthful, huh? Yup. It's true. It's an old hymn whose lyrics and even title are a bit outside the normal modern conversational style for the way we like to put words together now-a-days...But we sang this song tonight and one line just wouldn't let me go...

"Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee."

I don't want to love Jesus b/c it's the "right thing to do" or b/c "I'm supposed to" or b/c of some sort of a begrudging obligation. That's just dumb and, btw, not a whole lot of fun. No, I want to somehow get to point where I actually love Him, where the beautiful demonstration of His goodness overwhelms all the other flashly lights that vie for my attention and so often succeed in appearing to be the next best thing that I run chasing after. I want to love Him b/c He outshines all the other options, not as a sacrifice, not bitterly muttering under my breath about all I'm missing out on, but happily skipping along, simply overjoyed at the beauty of my Jesus...overwhelmed by His goodness that overpowers my desire to wander, wonder, and wriggle away...so much so that I simply want to be nowhere else...

Image Credit: http://www.cs.man.ac.uk/~toby/alan/gallery/liquid/fount.jpg

Friday, November 24, 2006

Define: Love

I asked the universe (aka Google) to define "being in love" for me and to my semi-shock, it failed. Google couldn't answer that question. So I asked Wikipedia and they did a little better, offering:

"Love is described as a deep, ineffable feeling shared in passionate or intimate interpersonal relationships."

Still, wanting something more scientific, I scanned further to read about the chemical reactions most commonly associated with love, but lost interest quickly after the title and moved on. I wanted a hard answer. A cold fact. A scientific certainty, but it doesn't really work like that with the big L-O-V-E, does it? So I caved and turned to poetry. Wikiquote delivered some points to ponder in this relativistic quest for definition, wrapped up in warm fuzzies -- in this seemingly fruitless pursuit of the non-existent answer that I seek...

Chew on these...

For those doing the long-distance dance...
"Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones. As the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire." ~ Anonymous

"You can break love, but it won't die." ~ Anonymous
I would add you can't buy it either. The "you break it, you bought it" cliche doesn't work here...

For the noble...
"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave". ~ Mohandas Gandhi

For the nerdy among us...
"Amoris vulnus idem sanat, qui facit.Translation: The wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them". ~ Syrus Publilius

For the cheesy!
"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while". ~ The Princess Bride

For those of us who know, those of us who question, those of us who wonder, and certainly for those of us who hurt...
"It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." ~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Or so they say...

Hmmm...
"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more". ~ Erica Jong Yikes!

I'm not here, right now, but I understand this. It's raw, real, it grabbed me...
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love". ~ Neil Gaiman

The soul of compassion is empowered by love...
"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love". ~ Mother Teresa
My goal is to love like this...

For those of us who freak out, for those of us with phobias and commitment problems, who make big deals out of nothing...perhaps this is what our loved ones would say to us...
"I love you. It's not a weight you must carry around. I love you. It's not a box that holds you in. I love you. It's not a standard you have to bear. I love you. It's not a sacrifice I make. I love you. It's not a pedestal you are frozen upon. I love you. It's not an expectation of perfection. I love you. It's not my life's whole purpose (or your's). I love you. It's not to make you change. I love you. It's not even to make you love me. I love you. It's as pure and simple as that." ~ Anonymous

So, will I ever get the perfect little answer to my question, all tied up with flashy foil gift wrap? I hope not...Here's why...last one...

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity". ~ Gilda Radner

Here's to the delicious ambiguity of life, love, and other mysteries!

Image Credit: http://www.wixel.be/presspix/heart.jpg

Monday, November 20, 2006

The Familiarity of the Foreign


So today, I spent about 7 hours on an airplane 'bound for Mexico. Sounds like the first line to some Country song I suppose, but's it'd really not so much that as my traveling down to Guadalajara for Thanksgiving with my aunt. See, I worked out a deal, well more of an arrangement, well actually more like an announcement, to/with my mom that I'm often going to travel on Thanksgiving, but always be home for Christmas, so here I am, south of the border thinking I'm going to escape cell phones (my phone still receives texts and voicemails) and email (I have DSL in my room) and yet again, my scattered state of existence has me digressing from my main point which is this...

Nevermind the two-year-old that kicked the back of my seat for five hours
Nevermind the one-year-old that kicked my elbow for two hours, or worse yet her loud mother's attempts to keep the kid quiet (honestly, I'd have taken my chances with the kid)
Nevermind all the noisy chatter in the lines and on the plane

The beauty of it was I couldn't understand a thing! So while the teenage girls could've been arguing over who was cuter Justin or Usher or the Mamas could've been delving into their latest weight loss one-pill-wonders or the Papas were chatting about the latest scores on the latest games... I wasn't annoyed. I couldn't have cared less because I simply couldn't understand it. It was just this sort of melodic Latin-sounding background noise that was more or less just a soundtrack for my next adventure. Ya know, kinda put me in the mood to realize that I was leaving on a Central Mexican journey!

I had forgotten how beautiful it is to be traveling internationally...
How fun it is to try new and wierd snacks on the airplanes...
Or see words written in different languages...
Or that beautiful part-euphoric, part-panicked, part-adreniline rush feeling that comes from being in a place outside your normal operating environment...

There was a sweet familiarity in the midst of all these foreign surroundings and it all whispered at some of my favorite memories traveling in different countries. In a wierd way, I felt like I was coming home...

Image Credit: http://www.publichealthidaho.com/Images/passport.jpg

Friday, November 10, 2006

God of my Grey...


Seems like we like to chop life into little bite size pieces...pretty little boxes that we can throw people and ideas into, slap a quick label on and move on... Seems like we're pretty dumb and shallow. Life is so much more complicated than the four letters that comprise the word or the action of the lungs to pull air in and push it out combined with the pump action of the heart to get blood to the right places to keep our physical bodies "living." Life is not a math problem, that, when divided by 2 yields "black" and "white." There are absolutes, to be sure, but most of the time, it's just not that simple, no matter our efforts to argue the contrary.

I especially find that I try to disect my relationship with God into these little boxes. "Black" boxes are the sins, the yucks, the admitable errors that I'll confess to saying shouldn't be in my life and when they are, I'm wrong and need to fix something. When I'm in the black, I'm out of line, have missed the mark, and KNOW it. "White" boxes are the obvious good things that I believe in - charity, love, praying, kindness, etc. The good absolutes upon which I build my foundation - belief in Jesus, caring for others, the Bible, etc. When I'm operating in this realm, it's ok, good things are happening.

But it's not so clear cut, is it? Nope, there's this other crafty, devious little sucker of a color in between my two label-able boxes and its name is "Grey." "Grey" represents all the "I don't knows," the questions, the uncertainties, the fears, the insecurities, the experiments, the unknowns. In the Grey are areas of life that I don't quite understand, that I'm not sure how I feel about them, that I'm not certain of what I believe, that I just don't know if it's wrong or right or relative. In the Grey, I've got to rely on hunches on and deductive reasoning to make my labeling decisions as to whether the items get pushed to the dark or light side of the spectrum. The problem with the Grey is that it's this vague no man's land...this relativistic realm wherein wrong and right are not clearly laid out and what's wrong with that? Well, it's like the old adage that you can't throw a frog in boiling (Black) water b/c it'll immediately jump out, BUT you can put it in lukewarm (Grey) water and slowly bring the heat up until boiling b/c you get comfortable in the lukewarm and the scalding hot sneaks up on ya!

Why am I rambling? Good question. Here's what I'm getting at. I think I put God in boxes. I say, "Ok, Lord, here are my Black items. I recognize these are wrong and I'm cool with you calling me out on it if I start messing with this box. I get it. It's not cool to mess with this box, would you please remove these elements from my life?" and then I say, "God, I've got this White box and in it are all the things I want to be and do for You in my life. It's all the character attributes that I want to emulate, it's the compassion I want to demonstrate; it's the beautiful concepts I want to contemplate...Will you help me become these things?" And I bring Him my two boxes, but then there's all this left over stuff on the floor - all the grey spill over and splashes - and I just leave that alone. I just let that stuff sit b/c I don't really know what to do with it, I don't really want to know what to do with it (it might cramp my style if I have to give up some of those things)...so I conveniently leave it out.

No.

I want Jesus to be Lord of my White and my Black boxes, but if He's to be sovereign in my life, then I need Him to be the God of my Grey too...

Thursday, November 02, 2006

So much for the gym!



Hmph! So I went to the gym today. Figured I may as well, I mean I've had a membership since late August and have been a total of four times now. In all fairness, I have been gone several weeks on travel, but seriously, I HATE IT THERE! I go to one of these shi-shi super nice, fairly expensive South Bay gyms and here's what it feels like:

Enter average space nerd girl who believes Dr. Pepper is a breakfast food.
The scene looks like some set from a movie where a bunch of perfect-looking actors and actressess are just working out for show, just standing on the machines really to make normal people say "oh, right. that's what I'll never look like. Why am I here again?" Everyone is checking everyone out and to top it off there are mirrors everywhere. Now, the mirrors are actually my one true joy in this place. Know why? Because. Apparently, no one told all the studs and hotties that they look ABSURD when they check THEMSELVES out constantly in the mirror. So, the mirrors can stay b/c it makes me laugh. Anyhow, today on the way in with my 18 year old roomie, I was thinking, man! I just don't want to be here. Other than the treadmills and bikes, which are pretty self-explanatory, I just don't know what the heck to do in there and while trainers are awesome and fun they cost over 100 bucks an hour at my particular gym of choice! So, thankfully, there's a tiny little backroom for chicks only, where I can work out and not feel so fish-bowlish. I head in there and am pretty proud of the 1 mile that I ran and the 1.5 miles that I biked and the 30 or so sit ups that I did. So, we go home, but usually after a workout, I feel good. Tired, but good. Today, I'm starving and my back hurts and my stomach hurts, but not in the good "oh, I worked out and am now the healthy kind of sore way" in the wierd "my stomach really hurts and my back is killing me" way. Since I refuse to believe that I'm getting old, I'll blame it on the gym.

Nuts to that! I'm cancelling my membership. I can feel this bad for way less effort by eating some twinkies and riding the Colossuss at Six Flags!

If only...


Not much to say tonight, just a few thoughts, ever so scattered.
Welcome into the window of the chaos of my mind...

if only every act of love was reciprocated with another
if only every charitable thought was lovingly executed
if only every friendship would be sustained throughout the trials
if only every heart would heal faster than breaking
if only life was materialized good intentions instead of unintentional regrets
if only we could drink in the sunshine and just stay sober
if only we could be high on life and leave the drugs in the gutter where they belong
if only we could have families instead of broken homes
if only we could accept responsibility instead of hiring better lawyers
if only the hardest three little words to say were "I hate you" instead of the difficulty that comes with verbalizing "I love you"
if only people meant it when they said "I love you" instead of using it as a mechanism to get what they wanted
if only we think about the poor instead of going broke to keep up with the trends if only we could stop and listen instead of simply shouting over the masses
if only we could drink in the beauty of the holidays without drowning in the commercialism
if only we could have a quiet meal,
an uniterrupted moment,
a beautiful exchange,
a sweet conversation.
or share a sunset more often... if only...

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Ah, the good life!

For some stupid and irrelevant reason, I have that "it's a hard-knock life" song stuck in my head. You know the one. It's sung by that little kid in that seasame-street-sing-song voice. Well, it's wierd, b/c it's not a hard-knock life...not tonight. Tonight it's Halloween, but even more than that, it's my Papa's birthday. I came across his birthday card that turned into his painting/birthday present, but it simply said this:

"Thank you for being."

Apparently, it's a greeting from the Seneca Indian Tribe. I like it. It's a tribute, an honoring, an acknowledgement of the value of someone's existence, of the positive impact that one person has in your life. So, tonight as I awkwardly -- and my parents (ever-the-seafood-pros) fluently -- cracked our shellfish open at the birthday dinner, I was just basking really in the beauty of my family and specifically in the existence of my Dad. I'm so proud of who He is and so love Him in my life. Ya, Dad, thanks for breathing, thanks for being born and being there and present and active and fun and loving and amazing in our life and the countless others you've touched along the way. Tonight, and ever, I honor your beautiful place in my life. I'm also really grateful for my whole family. What a blessing to share a meal and better yet a life with a team that loves you for just "being" also.

Hugs!
b

Monday, October 30, 2006

The clutter before the calm



Most people talk about the calm before the storm or even during the storm so commonly referred to as its "eye." Ya, well, I'm not most people and today there's no calm before some seemingly upcoming weather upset but rather the opposite. Today I sat, or rather tried to sit at my desk at work today, but when you move three offices into one room, it felt more like I moved my desk into a storage unit than anything else. Scene II: I'm home now, sitting on my bed in the middle of a room cluttered with boxes, suitcases, paintings, and (most-annoying-ly) laundry. That's what happens when you're on the road for a month. But, it's funny because while it feels cluttered now, I take rest in knowing that it's about to clear out. It's about to be different. Something is about to give. That release I've been praying for on so many fronts for so long is near... I can taste it. Lots of new exciting possibilities are brewing, but for right now, for this moment, I'm here. Here, not in the eye, but the swirl of the tornado where beds and barns and even a wicked witch of the west are spinning all around. But you know what? It's ok. It's cool, b/c like Frank says "something's gotta give, something's gotta give, something's gotta give." And while I don't think "somehow, somewhere, someone's gonna be kissed" or rather don't care or don't think it's appropriate, I do believe a change for the good is on the wind, so I'll just hunker down and wait to see what my Dad has in store. Am I a little impatient? Sure. A little unnerving to be in a holding pattern for my future? Sure. But I've got a good feeling and it's kind of exciting too, like waiting for your birthday to come so you can open up the presents!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

"It's so easy" -- AidChild



Tears still streaming down my face as my heart, once again, has been effortlessly torn wide open by a child. Despite my tough "i'm going to be a career woman, dang it" exterior that I work so feverishly to portray, children kill me just about everytime I let them. It happened not too long ago in India, when I went to study sitar and found myself hopelessly owned by 40 boys in the nearby hostel who made me want to do nothing but play, talk, laugh, love and hopelessly try to learn how to play cricket with them. My heart longs to go back...

But, it just happened again, this minute, this snot-stained face minute as I read about the work going on in Uganda to provide love and care and medicine and life and love to at least some of the 2.3 million orphans living in Uganda alone. Can you imagine? That's just one country. Sadly, many of these precious little ones have HIV or full-blown AIDS... The founder of an organization that is trying and succeeding in it's efforts to make a difference testified about his efforts in Uganda to the US House of Representatives...I just read it and it resonated deep like it went all the way to the bottom of my heart and bounced back until my very being felt its meaning...My dad's been telling me about how amazing this work is in Africa for about 6 years and for some reason I've consistently blown him off. No more. I'm onboard, interested and am praying about this. Expect to hear more about it soon as I try to plan my trip there, but read the founders words in the meantime. Oh, and Dad, sorry I didn't listen sooner, sounds like there would've been a whole lot less starbucks and ross trips in my credit history had I seen this earlier...

Enough from me. Maybe it won't make you cry, but let it touch you...

------------------------------

Aidchild’s mission statement is: “To provide kids’ centres, including: homes, innovative medical care, psychosocial support, and education to orphans living with AIDS who do not have the support of extended families.” Below is a narrative of Aidchild’s story and heart (an excerpt from a congressional testimony by Founder and Director, Nathaniel Dunigan—given on April 17, 2002 before the United States Congress).
I invite you to imagine that you are standing with me in a banana field in Africa. It is October of 1998, my first visit to the continent, and I have come with hope; the precious product of HIV prevention education. I have been deposited here with a talented interpreter, and left to find my way through the drapes of leafy trees and across the carpets of fallen foliage. Soon enough, I find my destination: a tiny mud hut. The space is crowded beyond capacity. I suddenly realize that everyone here is familiar with death. They know that their families are dying.
And in so many cases, they sense that they themselves are dying.
I step to the front and begin my hopeful presentation. Once finished, I answer questions. Finally, the space clears. Through the rear opening of the hut steps a woman who looks to be quite aged. With her, a very young boy. He is covered with sores. Wounds. His body is weak. I reach down and pick him up. I feel that he is burning with fever.
And I look into his eyes. There, I see something I have seen many times since: the early maturity of a suffering soul. This is a dear person. Like your children. Your grandchildren.
Like you.
Like me.
The elder speaks. She says, “This is my grandson. His name is Simon. His father, my son, died when Simon was two months old. With AIDS. His mother died three months ago. With AIDS. It seems apparent to me that he also has AIDS.”
She pauses. She swallows. Then, “Today, you talked to us about AIDS, and you talked about hope. So I was just wondering, what can you do for my grandson?”
PHOTO:The Aidchild site in Mpigi(pronounced:"emm-PEE-gee").
That day, in the middle of that banana field, my life changed as my thinking underwent a revolution. You see, I knew that there are more orphans in Uganda than in any other country of the world today: 2.1 to 2.3 million according to most observers.
But the revolution in my thinking took place only once I was able to individualize the daunting and disturbing statistics. As I held Simon in my arms, and as I looked into his eyes, I came face to face with the reality that our fight with HIV/AIDS is not about numbers and dollars, but about real people—with names and faces.
Further investigation, and now nineteen months of on-the-job experience in Uganda, have shown me that when more than ten percent of a population is orphaned, there is a need which transcends culture, society, government, church, and home. When the world loses massive numbers of people, there are survivors left to neglect and abandonment.
And disease.
Yes, in Uganda, the HIV infection rate has drastically reduced. You realize, of course, that this means that many of those who were infected have died. And that not as many new infections have occurred.
I have just told you that more than two million children are orphaned in Uganda. Just one country. A country we rightly tout as currently edging towards victory in our desperate war. Many of these children are already HIV positive. Many of them, thankfully, are not. I have a desperate worry; a plaguing concern about what happens as this group of children ages. Some of these little hearts and personalities are often left alone. Regularly ignored. Rarely cared for. What happens as their yearnings for intimacy and acceptance develop into a sexual activity and adulthood not reared with the benefits of kisses-on-the-forehead nor an elder’s wisdom?
My greater worry, though, is for the children who are already infected with HIV, an HIV that has rapidly destroyed their immune systems, and has given them AIDS. They are suffering—and are most often suffering unnecessarily. There is much that can be done for them. Like at Aidchild, the hospice and palliative care center I founded and currently direct in Masaka. When nutrition, proper hygiene and loving care replace abuse, neglect and desperately overtaxed extended families, this unnecessary suffering is transformed into a preciously simple condition of comfort, strength and hope. Surely this is a basic human right worthy of provision for children who have no one.
I walk around my home in Uganda everyday saying three words: “It’s so easy. The every-day-activities required to help these children are more ordinary than heroic.
Please allow me to close with the story of one of my children, Ivan. He was nine years old when he came to live with me. Little is known about his past. Before Ivan was referred to Aidchild, he was surviving in the ramshackled police barracks of my town. More than one policeman has told me that Ivan would awake early every morning to pray. In a loud voice he would say, “Oh God, please send someone to help me. I am hurting. I’m sad, and I’m alone.”
Once with us, Ivan became perfect joy. He became stronger. His blind eyes were treated. His malaria, TB, shingles, aches and pains were carefully tended. He was quicker to rejoice than to weep.
Months had gone by when he started to sleep a lot. In his own bed. A clean, comfortable space, free of mosquitoes and daunting heat. One day, he awoke from his slumber and looked at my staff members. He said, “I have seen that you love me so much.” And then, he did something I find quite extraordinary and special. He said, “Thank you.” He returned his head to his pillow, and listened to the soft music we play as a part of our hospice care. Again he spoke, “That music is so nice,” he said. And then went back to sleep.
My little Ivan died early the next morning.
But most of my children are still living with me—strong, happy and hopeful. With AIDS. Even months later.
And some have died. Others will also die.
But perhaps Ivan’s is the greatest hope. May we all one day be able to say, “I have seen that I am loved. I am grateful. I’m comfortable. And I’m going to go to sleep now.”
Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote, “So long as we are loved by others, we are indispensable, and no (one) is useless (when they) have a friend.”
From the frontlines, I report to you that this must become the reality for millions of children around the world. And it can be done. I know firsthand. Extended family networks are exhausted, even destroyed. Foster homes are often perfect and wonderful—but will always be too few. If we are to offer this basic right to as many children as we possibly can, we simply cannot afford to rule out any one type of care for this terrific number of dear hearts, sweet faces, and precious individuals.
Working together, we must make a difference.
We can make a difference.
And, moreover, I absolutely maintain: it really is so easy.
Thank you.
Testimony by Nathaniel DuniganUnited States House of Representatives Committee on International RelationsHearing—April 17, 2002“Orphans and Vulnerable Children in Africa: Identifying the Best Practice for Prevention, Treatment and Care”
For the full transcript, Click Here.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

random oddities, work and life

I saw the strangest thing today and it struck me as so odd. Once common, now practically obsolete. I watched someone use a pay phone and it seemed so weird, so out of place, like it was a scene from a movie. Do people really still use pay phones asked the girl who never leaves her cell...

random...

other than that, i got a new cell today. downgrading from the clunky blackberry double email/phone leash to a simple phone...will this change my life? one can only guess...

in other news...

i just do a whole lot of working these days, with 50 odd days til the rocket event of the year, what else can I expect? check out my life at www.xprizecup.com it's going to be amazing, then i'm going to sleep for all of November. :)

one more thing...
we moved into a cool new house with lots of rooms and very cool roomies. dinner with the roomies and 2 associated boyfriends felt like a small dinner party at 8 people. it was cool. though, i dig it, it's fun to come home to.

life moves quickly and with lots or lost flurries of activity,
but i'm happy...

Monday, August 07, 2006

what if?

what if fact were the fiction we created?
what if reality were the dreams that we stated?
what if love was predetermined, not decided?
what if pain was brutal, then subsided?
what if we surrender instead of fight it?
what if embraced instead of chided?
what if we deliberated instead of hated?
what if we explored instead of conquered?
what if resources were stored and not whore'd?
what if we savored not devoured?
what if we preserved instead of soured?
what if life we lived, not just endured?
what if cries for help were really heard?
what if we believed and not convicted?
what if we invented not demented?
what if hearts were soft but not dented?
what if we had the answers, not the questions...

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Hanging History


Hi Friends!

I just think you're cool and want to share the news with you. This is a pix of the SpaceShipOne Replica in the Bakersfield terminal. It was awesome and the videos below are pretty cool. Thanks so much to all the hard work, dedication and passion of those that made it happen...it goes without saying that we could not have done it without you.

I attended the ceremony yesterday, as did Burt, Mike Melvill, Assemblyman Kevin Murray, and Congressman Bill Thomas.

Burt said the replica looked great and Mike Melvill said I looked gorgeous, so pretty much, I'm set for awhile!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I hope I'm there...


I was listening to a little bit of "pink" today...generally not an indicator that i'm in a good mood. or feeling great about certain situations...but the lyrics go like this (and trust me I'm sneaking up on a point here):

"when all is gone
and the glitter fades away
they'll get theirs eventually
and i hope i'm there..."

Not very nice, I know, but, there are other lyrics in the song that were more applicable which i don't want to get into here. i don't want anyone to "get theirs" or anything it's just a stupid song...stay with me.... now bear in mind that i've heard this a ton of times and know it by heart, but know what i heard?

"when all is gone
and the bitter fades away...
I hope I'm there..."

when all of this drama is gone and i'm done being hurt, sad, guilty, bitter, whatever, I hope I'm still there. I hope something remains of me...

...even more importantly still, i hope something good remains in and of those who may have been hurt by me along the way...

that's all i've got.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

been a while....

I've sat here for a few minutes and waited to see what would come to me and got a whole lot of nothing. Exhaustion battles the caffeine induced, jittery awareness that shakes my limbs and begs my body to surrender...but I digress...or perhaps not...that is the actual current state of affairs...i've been thinking lately that there has to be so much more to life than work...what do i really want to accomplish with my existence, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...so i made a draft list... a rev1, if you will of the things I'd like to do, God willing...

initially, to do God's will

go to Yosemite
see mount Rushmore
live in DC
get scuba dive cert
get multi-commercial license
become a rocket racer pilot
experience weightlessness
write a book or collection of poetry/essays
plan a mission control center
become a masterful sitar player
learn basic guitar
cut a CD
raise millions for kids in need
learn to dance
become a good kickboxer
go to harvard
get a PhD
get a motorcycle license
visit every country
learn 5 languages by the time I'm 30 (hindi, french, spanish, ?)
Hike in the Himalayas
skydive
love my (future) dog

ultimately, do God's will

hmmm...lots to do, but for now, I gratefully surrender to sleep...

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Everybody gets a moment...

I caught the last 10 minutes or so of ER tonight, just bear with me on this one as I have to set the scene a bit. There's been some tragic airplane accident and the female doctor has been in the field saving lives, she's inhaled a potentially dangerous level of smoke, worked 16 straight hours, been through a major trauma event, and is exhausted. Her friends are begging her to stay at the hospital to be monitored, but no, she just wants to go home. She fumbles with the lock and looks over her shoulder before entering her complex and she sees a man in an army uniform standing next to a cab in the middle of the street. Recognition, relief and love all flood her face and she runs into the middle of the street to be reunited with this man, whom we can only assume is her lover returning from war...So there they are, in the middle of the street, at God knows what hour, hugging, as the steam rises off the street grates and the cars honk and wait for their moment to pass. They are oblivious to the world around them because they are in this moment where time is suspended and life is rich with the intensity of the moment and the obliviousness to the world at large. This is the stuff that dreams, books, tv shows, movies, and songs are comprised of...these moments. And so as I clicked the tv off, all I could think was how beautiful that moment was for them...how beautiful it is to be caught up in moments like that myself...how everyone must get at least one moment like that in their lifetime, where the world simply stands still and watches and you simply revel in the timeless moment, savouring every second, subconsciously knowing that time will resume again soon, but at least for now, at least for this moment, all else yields to this. Whether it's a blissful reunion, a stolen glance, a kiss, your dance in the rain, holding hands, sharing hearts, getting lost in conversation, or the overwhelming sensation when you rediscover the mezmerizing eyes of someone you love, the awkward smile when you realize that you don't know how long you've been staring... you get the idea...

life is tough and hard and grimy and challenging and confusing and complicated and full of people who make lots of mistakes, but I'm so glad to know that in the midst of all of it, life is also made up of millions of moments, of miliseconds of experiences that captivate our hearts and, even if only for that second in time, make it all worthwhile. Here's to the moments...

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Simple Pleasures

So, I've been feeling rather uninspired and unimpressed lately. However, yesterday was just what I needed - day to just chill out. Did a little cleaning, a little sleeping and a little shopping. As I was coming out of the last store it was about 7:30 pm. The Target is located at the top of a sloping parking lot facing west, about 10 blocks from the beach. Anyhow, this was the moment, I stepped outside and BAM! it was simply a gorgeous skyscape with the clouds beautifully scattered amidst hues of soft gold, faded blue, a hint of pink and a few token Cali palm trees hanging out in the foreground. It was just one of those, "Man! You've created a beautiful universe, God!" So I rode my shopping cart down the slope in the perfect temperature as the air lapped at my face and just took it all in. On some days, anyway, it's actually pretty good to live here.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Sunburned!






So, I saw my first live NBA game last night. Game 3 of the Western Conference Semi-Finals, not a bad way to start and it was a great game to boot! Neck and neck the whole game and then right at then end, when it counted the Suns burned the Clips! So, it seems to me that this whole concept of professional sports and the amazing potential for smack talking that exists within that realm is gold mine for a kid like me! WOW! I had so much fun! Of course I was wearing a Suns jersey in the midst of a Clipper Nation.

All my friends, save the every loyal Vanessa, were sporting the free Clips shirts handed out at the door. Anyhow, we had so much fun smack talking, watching the game and just hangin' out. I really love my friends and I think I'm gonna start going to more games, if nothing else than to polish my trash talking skills!

Friday, May 12, 2006

All that glitters...


lately, everything has been cloaked in the same dreary haze that has settled upon our fair city of angels. Everywhere I look people are trying to shine, to pop, to sizzle, to somehow stand out as the next best thing... But really it's just a lot of happy noise from sad people, new clothes on old sorrows, and good commercials for bad products. Where are the genuine? The real? The precious? Everyone tries so hard to be a mover and a shaker...Someone needs to learn to simply be... It's rather uninspired, this particular post, but there is simply so much glitter, so much flash, so much whatever, fill in the blank...Where is the true gold? I'm tired of the tinfoil that shimmers just long enough to steal my attention away from my treasure map and grabs my attention only to reveal its genuine disappointment. It's Friday,

all substitutes, no substance
reflective surfaces
lacking sources
foil feigning fire
love, cheapened to desire
trading souls for status
as you climb that social ladder
just another buzz, just another high
might grant that peace you've been denied
but probly not
and for what
have you to show
for that which you let go
questions, I have plenty
answers have I few
offered observations
with no streamlined destination
in such philosophies on life

Thursday, May 11, 2006

gone zero


what really needs to be said here? I have the coolest weekend job EVER! This weekend, like total rockstars we went on tour with Zero G....3 cities...Burbank...Vegas...San Jose...6 flights...0 gravity...my personal zeroG time pretty much doubled and I had a blast. Words and creativity both fail me at the moment due to total exhaustion, but I defer my 1,000 words to the picture above and bid you goodnight...

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

french eclairs in India
things that don't belong together
do not overcomplicate, underestimate or further contemplate this blog
you owe me
BIG
HiC

Happy last day of finals

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Naive

Buckminster Fuller's words challenged me today..."dare to be naive"

we should try it.

dare to be guileless...dare to be childlike...dare to be the person who doesn't know any better than to give someone the benefit of the doubt...

dictionary.com had this quote on their site under the entry 'naive:'
-- "Untutored in the perversities of some particular program or system..." --

hmm. how often are we so programmed, so indoctrinated with the perversities of all the routines that comprise our life? Seems like if we just dropped the prescribed personas and scripted solutions and were just real and raw before life at large, we just might see it in a different light. Free from such societal and psychological fetters, we just might be free to love the unlovely; savour the moment; or solve a complex problem with childlike simplicity. What was it that Jesus said? Got to be like a child. Ya, I get it.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

i can't think about how it might have been
because i know how it is
and like or leave it
the truth tends to cleave itself to reality
awhile ago, it seems so close
and yet so vastly out of reach...

not finished yet.
mind's appetite whet
by music of Caspian
with words left unsung
their sorrowful strings
played with intensity
drummed on...the soundtrack
to my mind's monologue
my soul is saturated with sentiment
none of it clear, concise or all together relevant
just a vague, random work of non-art
that i hang on the wall
so we can talk of it instrumentally
and never intrinsicly at all...

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Perspective



Know what this is? It's a photo-shop distortion of a picture of my eye. Currently, my eye is pretty much swollen shut and so I've been having to tell folks cute things that make them feel less awkward like "oh, you should see the other guy" or "ya, I was seeing this guy and things didn't really work out" etc. You get the idea. Tonight I went to a girls nite out and the theme was cowgirl...so I dressed normally, put on a jean jacket and went as the wife of a drunk cowboy who beats his wife. Yikes! but I digress. So basically, I can do some typing and some calls, but mostly I'm just frustrated b/c my vision is screwed up, it hurts and I feel useless...My depth perception is off and I poured my cream of wheat on the counter instead of my bowl today (well, it was a more 30/70 split to be honest :) Having my vision tweaked has REALLY made me appreciate the good sight I commonly take for granted. This whole thing freaks me out, but normally I have such good vision. My point is really that I'm just grateful that normally I can see and that I can hear. This misadventure is a pain in the neck but it makes me realize how graceful I am for my sight!

Part 2...this also makes me realize how proud of my Mom I am. She recently underwent melanoma (cancer) of the eye including some ultra crazy radiation and a surgery. She's also losing the vision in the affected eye. I tell you what, I get an infected sty gone crazy and I'm freaking out. She's been prodded, probed, radiated, cut, and messed with some more and she has carried herself with such a grace. I can't imagine how it must feel. I know two things though. 1) I'm super proud of her and really acknowledge and admire the manner in which she has dealt with this, her second round of cancer and 2) I know that my God is able to heal her to His glory. I look forward to that day.

In other news...let your eyes feast on the sunset...drink in the fragrance of the ocean, flowers or your favourite coffee...stop for just a minute to revel in taste of chocolate...listen, really listen to the tonal inflections and variations of a loved one's voice, knowing that it is their unique sound...cherish the sensation of touch in a hanshake, a hug or a kiss...

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Restoration


So, it turns out that I am NOT the most devoted blogger. In fact a cursory glance at my logs reveals huge gaps, sometimes spanning about a year. I have just been all over the place and not in a space of life where blogging was a priority. My friend Nick, however, just keeps blogging away. I used to be a link on his site but my lack of activity resulted in my being removed from the site (www.skytland.com).

Action equals consequence.

So yesterday I casually mentioned to him that I had started blogging again. I warned him not to get excited, but said I was trying to be faithful with it. Guess what happened? That night - as in instantaneously - I noticed that my link reappeared on his site. Random and seemingly meaningless story I know, but look deeper...

What if our mistakes could be so easily forgotten and all the stupid things we've done, could be undone and our pre-messed-up status could be so perfectly restored? What if all the hurt that we caused, messes that we've made and works of art that we've shattered could all be fixed with the click of a button? If only life were as easy as being Nick's friend. If only all of life's consequences were so easy to restore...

Monday, April 17, 2006

Just a little smoke...

I love reading Voltaire, not sure why but so many of his quotes just grab me and won't let go. For an excessive number of months this saying was my tagline:

"The burning of a little straw may hide the stars, but the stars outlast the smoke."

Imagine how many times I had written this, read it, said it, thought about it, and then BANG! today it hit me in a new light. I so often thought of that pesky smoke as simply the hurdles that we encounter on our journey...as something that merely happened or someone else caused that complicated or inconveneinced or otherwise complicated my life. But a closer look reveals something else...I didn't realize that that same smoke is so often caused by the straw that I burn. Oftentimes, as I tap my foot and impatiently wait for the smoke to clear or worse still compliment myself on how well I'm waiting -- during those moments I fail to see the straw at my feet and the matchbook in my hands.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Easter


Today I was captivated by the sea. Her frothy majesty calling to me. Beckoning me to steal one more glance, and again, yet again... As I drove up the Mexican coast, I was attracted to gaze upon the ocean as if I were checking out that cute guy to make sure he really was as attractive as I thought on first glance. Madam Ocean did not disappoint, after a few days of rain, today was exquisite and I simply could not get enough of the view. I'm so grateful for such visual feasts. Thanks to several taco stands, a churro vendor and my mom's cooking, my eyes were not the only part of me that was overwhelmed by all there was to take in. Even my heart was satisfied as I, surrounded by my family, simply celebrated the beauty of His resurrection while the waves whispered their dialogue to the shore in the background. Beautiful.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

here...


Here...this is where I have been for the last 2 months...lost in the eyes of children like Sawhill and Romi. Hoping that somehow each night I could make a difference...hopelessly aware that whatever I could possibly give them would be powerfully overshadowed by the love with which they received me and the manner in which they absolutely captivated my heart...