random oddities, work and life

I saw the strangest thing today and it struck me as so odd. Once common, now practically obsolete. I watched someone use a pay phone and it seemed so weird, so out of place, like it was a scene from a movie. Do people really still use pay phones asked the girl who never leaves her cell...

random...

other than that, i got a new cell today. downgrading from the clunky blackberry double email/phone leash to a simple phone...will this change my life? one can only guess...

in other news...

i just do a whole lot of working these days, with 50 odd days til the rocket event of the year, what else can I expect? check out my life at www.xprizecup.com it's going to be amazing, then i'm going to sleep for all of November. :)

one more thing...
we moved into a cool new house with lots of rooms and very cool roomies. dinner with the roomies and 2 associated boyfriends felt like a small dinner party at 8 people. it was cool. though, i dig it, it's fun to come home to.

life moves quickly and with lots or lost flurries of activity,
but i'm happy...

what if?

what if fact were the fiction we created?
what if reality were the dreams that we stated?
what if love was predetermined, not decided?
what if pain was brutal, then subsided?
what if we surrender instead of fight it?
what if embraced instead of chided?
what if we deliberated instead of hated?
what if we explored instead of conquered?
what if resources were stored and not whore'd?
what if we savored not devoured?
what if we preserved instead of soured?
what if life we lived, not just endured?
what if cries for help were really heard?
what if we believed and not convicted?
what if we invented not demented?
what if hearts were soft but not dented?
what if we had the answers, not the questions...

Hanging History

Hi Friends!

I just think you're cool and want to share the news with you. This is a pix of the SpaceShipOne Replica in the Bakersfield terminal. It was awesome and the videos below are pretty cool. Thanks so much to all the hard work, dedication and passion of those that made it happen...it goes without saying that we could not have done it without you.

I attended the ceremony yesterday, as did Burt, Mike Melvill, Assemblyman Kevin Murray, and Congressman Bill Thomas.

Burt said the replica looked great and Mike Melvill said I looked gorgeous, so pretty much, I'm set for awhile!

I hope I'm there...

I was listening to a little bit of "pink" today...generally not an indicator that i'm in a good mood. or feeling great about certain situations...but the lyrics go like this (and trust me I'm sneaking up on a point here):

"when all is gone
and the glitter fades away
they'll get theirs eventually
and i hope i'm there..."

Not very nice, I know, but, there are other lyrics in the song that were more applicable which i don't want to get into here. i don't want anyone to "get theirs" or anything it's just a stupid song...stay with me.... now bear in mind that i've heard this a ton of times and know it by heart, but know what i heard?

"when all is gone
and the bitter fades away...
I hope I'm there..."

when all of this drama is gone and i'm done being hurt, sad, guilty, bitter, whatever, I hope I'm still there. I hope something remains of me...

...even more importantly still, i hope something good remains in and of those who may have been hurt by me along the way...

that's all i've got.

been a while....

I've sat here for a few minutes and waited to see what would come to me and got a whole lot of nothing. Exhaustion battles the caffeine induced, jittery awareness that shakes my limbs and begs my body to surrender...but I digress...or perhaps not...that is the actual current state of affairs...i've been thinking lately that there has to be so much more to life than work...what do i really want to accomplish with my existence, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...so i made a draft list... a rev1, if you will of the things I'd like to do, God willing...

initially, to do God's will

go to Yosemite
see mount Rushmore
live in DC
get scuba dive cert
get multi-commercial license
become a rocket racer pilot
experience weightlessness
write a book or collection of poetry/essays
plan a mission control center
become a masterful sitar player
learn basic guitar
cut a CD
raise millions for kids in need
learn to dance
become a good kickboxer
go to harvard
get a PhD
get a motorcycle license
visit every country
learn 5 languages by the time I'm 30 (hindi, french, spanish, ?)
Hike in the Himalayas
skydive
love my (future) dog

ultimately, do God's will

hmmm...lots to do, but for now, I gratefully surrender to sleep...

Everybody gets a moment...

I caught the last 10 minutes or so of ER tonight, just bear with me on this one as I have to set the scene a bit. There's been some tragic airplane accident and the female doctor has been in the field saving lives, she's inhaled a potentially dangerous level of smoke, worked 16 straight hours, been through a major trauma event, and is exhausted. Her friends are begging her to stay at the hospital to be monitored, but no, she just wants to go home. She fumbles with the lock and looks over her shoulder before entering her complex and she sees a man in an army uniform standing next to a cab in the middle of the street. Recognition, relief and love all flood her face and she runs into the middle of the street to be reunited with this man, whom we can only assume is her lover returning from war...So there they are, in the middle of the street, at God knows what hour, hugging, as the steam rises off the street grates and the cars honk and wait for their moment to pass. They are oblivious to the world around them because they are in this moment where time is suspended and life is rich with the intensity of the moment and the obliviousness to the world at large. This is the stuff that dreams, books, tv shows, movies, and songs are comprised of...these moments. And so as I clicked the tv off, all I could think was how beautiful that moment was for them...how beautiful it is to be caught up in moments like that myself...how everyone must get at least one moment like that in their lifetime, where the world simply stands still and watches and you simply revel in the timeless moment, savouring every second, subconsciously knowing that time will resume again soon, but at least for now, at least for this moment, all else yields to this. Whether it's a blissful reunion, a stolen glance, a kiss, your dance in the rain, holding hands, sharing hearts, getting lost in conversation, or the overwhelming sensation when you rediscover the mezmerizing eyes of someone you love, the awkward smile when you realize that you don't know how long you've been staring... you get the idea...

life is tough and hard and grimy and challenging and confusing and complicated and full of people who make lots of mistakes, but I'm so glad to know that in the midst of all of it, life is also made up of millions of moments, of miliseconds of experiences that captivate our hearts and, even if only for that second in time, make it all worthwhile. Here's to the moments...

Simple Pleasures

So, I've been feeling rather uninspired and unimpressed lately. However, yesterday was just what I needed - day to just chill out. Did a little cleaning, a little sleeping and a little shopping. As I was coming out of the last store it was about 7:30 pm. The Target is located at the top of a sloping parking lot facing west, about 10 blocks from the beach. Anyhow, this was the moment, I stepped outside and BAM! it was simply a gorgeous skyscape with the clouds beautifully scattered amidst hues of soft gold, faded blue, a hint of pink and a few token Cali palm trees hanging out in the foreground. It was just one of those, "Man! You've created a beautiful universe, God!" So I rode my shopping cart down the slope in the perfect temperature as the air lapped at my face and just took it all in. On some days, anyway, it's actually pretty good to live here.

Sunburned!

So, I saw my first live NBA game last night. Game 3 of the Western Conference Semi-Finals, not a bad way to start and it was a great game to boot! Neck and neck the whole game and then right at then end, when it counted the Suns burned the Clips! So, it seems to me that this whole concept of professional sports and the amazing potential for smack talking that exists within that realm is gold mine for a kid like me! WOW! I had so much fun! Of course I was wearing a Suns jersey in the midst of a Clipper Nation.

All my friends, save the every loyal Vanessa, were sporting the free Clips shirts handed out at the door. Anyhow, we had so much fun smack talking, watching the game and just hangin' out. I really love my friends and I think I'm gonna start going to more games, if nothing else than to polish my trash talking skills!

All that glitters...

lately, everything has been cloaked in the same dreary haze that has settled upon our fair city of angels. Everywhere I look people are trying to shine, to pop, to sizzle, to somehow stand out as the next best thing... But really it's just a lot of happy noise from sad people, new clothes on old sorrows, and good commercials for bad products. Where are the genuine? The real? The precious? Everyone tries so hard to be a mover and a shaker...Someone needs to learn to simply be... It's rather uninspired, this particular post, but there is simply so much glitter, so much flash, so much whatever, fill in the blank...Where is the true gold? I'm tired of the tinfoil that shimmers just long enough to steal my attention away from my treasure map and grabs my attention only to reveal its genuine disappointment. It's Friday,

all substitutes, no substance
reflective surfaces
lacking sources
foil feigning fire
love, cheapened to desire
trading souls for status
as you climb that social ladder
just another buzz, just another high
might grant that peace you've been denied
but probly not
and for what
have you to show
for that which you let go
questions, I have plenty
answers have I few
offered observations
with no streamlined destination
in such philosophies on life

gone zero

what really needs to be said here? I have the coolest weekend job EVER! This weekend, like total rockstars we went on tour with Zero G....3 cities...Burbank...Vegas...San Jose...6 flights...0 gravity...my personal zeroG time pretty much doubled and I had a blast. Words and creativity both fail me at the moment due to total exhaustion, but I defer my 1,000 words to the picture above and bid you goodnight...

french eclairs in India
things that don't belong together
do not overcomplicate, underestimate or further contemplate this blog
you owe me
BIG
HiC

Happy last day of finals

Naive

Buckminster Fuller's words challenged me today..."dare to be naive"

we should try it.

dare to be guileless...dare to be childlike...dare to be the person who doesn't know any better than to give someone the benefit of the doubt...

dictionary.com had this quote on their site under the entry 'naive:'
-- "Untutored in the perversities of some particular program or system..." --

hmm. how often are we so programmed, so indoctrinated with the perversities of all the routines that comprise our life? Seems like if we just dropped the prescribed personas and scripted solutions and were just real and raw before life at large, we just might see it in a different light. Free from such societal and psychological fetters, we just might be free to love the unlovely; savour the moment; or solve a complex problem with childlike simplicity. What was it that Jesus said? Got to be like a child. Ya, I get it.

i can't think about how it might have been
because i know how it is
and like or leave it
the truth tends to cleave itself to reality
awhile ago, it seems so close
and yet so vastly out of reach...

not finished yet.
mind's appetite whet
by music of Caspian
with words left unsung
their sorrowful strings
played with intensity

drummed on...the soundtrack

to my mind's monologue

my soul is saturated with sentiment

none of it clear, concise or all together relevant

just a vague, random work of non-art

that i hang on the wall

so we can talk of it instrumentally

and never intrinsicly at all...

Perspective

Know what this is? It's a photo-shop distortion of a picture of my eye. Currently, my eye is pretty much swollen shut and so I've been having to tell folks cute things that make them feel less awkward like "oh, you should see the other guy" or "ya, I was seeing this guy and things didn't really work out" etc. You get the idea. Tonight I went to a girls nite out and the theme was cowgirl...so I dressed normally, put on a jean jacket and went as the wife of a drunk cowboy who beats his wife. Yikes! but I digress. So basically, I can do some typing and some calls, but mostly I'm just frustrated b/c my vision is screwed up, it hurts and I feel useless...My depth perception is off and I poured my cream of wheat on the counter instead of my bowl today (well, it was a more 30/70 split to be honest :) Having my vision tweaked has REALLY made me appreciate the good sight I commonly take for granted. This whole thing freaks me out, but normally I have such good vision. My point is really that I'm just grateful that normally I can see and that I can hear. This misadventure is a pain in the neck but it makes me realize how graceful I am for my sight!

Part 2...this also makes me realize how proud of my Mom I am. She recently underwent melanoma (cancer) of the eye including some ultra crazy radiation and a surgery. She's also losing the vision in the affected eye. I tell you what, I get an infected sty gone crazy and I'm freaking out. She's been prodded, probed, radiated, cut, and messed with some more and she has carried herself with such a grace. I can't imagine how it must feel. I know two things though. 1) I'm super proud of her and really acknowledge and admire the manner in which she has dealt with this, her second round of cancer and 2) I know that my God is able to heal her to His glory. I look forward to that day.

In other news...let your eyes feast on the sunset...drink in the fragrance of the ocean, flowers or your favourite coffee...stop for just a minute to revel in taste of chocolate...listen, really listen to the tonal inflections and variations of a loved one's voice, knowing that it is their unique sound...cherish the sensation of touch in a hanshake, a hug or a kiss...

Restoration

So, it turns out that I am NOT the most devoted blogger. In fact a cursory glance at my logs reveals huge gaps, sometimes spanning about a year. I have just been all over the place and not in a space of life where blogging was a priority. My friend Nick, however, just keeps blogging away. I used to be a link on his site but my lack of activity resulted in my being removed from the site (www.skytland.com).

Action equals consequence.

So yesterday I casually mentioned to him that I had started blogging again. I warned him not to get excited, but said I was trying to be faithful with it. Guess what happened? That night - as in instantaneously - I noticed that my link reappeared on his site. Random and seemingly meaningless story I know, but look deeper...

What if our mistakes could be so easily forgotten and all the stupid things we've done, could be undone and our pre-messed-up status could be so perfectly restored? What if all the hurt that we caused, messes that we've made and works of art that we've shattered could all be fixed with the click of a button? If only life were as easy as being Nick's friend. If only all of life's consequences were so easy to restore...

Just a little smoke...

I love reading Voltaire, not sure why but so many of his quotes just grab me and won't let go. For an excessive number of months this saying was my tagline:

"The burning of a little straw may hide the stars, but the stars outlast the smoke."

Imagine how many times I had written this, read it, said it, thought about it, and then BANG! today it hit me in a new light. I so often thought of that pesky smoke as simply the hurdles that we encounter on our journey...as something that merely happened or someone else caused that complicated or inconveneinced or otherwise complicated my life. But a closer look reveals something else...I didn't realize that that same smoke is so often caused by the straw that I burn. Oftentimes, as I tap my foot and impatiently wait for the smoke to clear or worse still compliment myself on how well I'm waiting -- during those moments I fail to see the straw at my feet and the matchbook in my hands.

Easter

Today I was captivated by the sea. Her frothy majesty calling to me. Beckoning me to steal one more glance, and again, yet again... As I drove up the Mexican coast, I was attracted to gaze upon the ocean as if I were checking out that cute guy to make sure he really was as attractive as I thought on first glance. Madam Ocean did not disappoint, after a few days of rain, today was exquisite and I simply could not get enough of the view. I'm so grateful for such visual feasts. Thanks to several taco stands, a churro vendor and my mom's cooking, my eyes were not the only part of me that was overwhelmed by all there was to take in. Even my heart was satisfied as I, surrounded by my family, simply celebrated the beauty of His resurrection while the waves whispered their dialogue to the shore in the background. Beautiful.

here...

Here...this is where I have been for the last 2 months...lost in the eyes of children like Sawhill and Romi. Hoping that somehow each night I could make a difference...hopelessly aware that whatever I could possibly give them would be powerfully overshadowed by the love with which they received me and the manner in which they absolutely captivated my heart...

hmm

here's the thing
two days before christmas
presents still left unfinished...

no energy to focus
on the so called christmas spirit
quite frankly i can't afford it

it's too much to keep up with the jones'
i just want to look at the manger,
but wait, that's my pager
going off again
more meetings to plan
more cash to spend
when does it end?

used to be about a boy
now we try so hard to avoid
political incorrectness
drop religion
just buy toys

but somewhere somehow
on a dark winter's night
i hope for a quiet moment
of uninterrupted sanity
to gaze on the face
of the saviour of humanity

makes no difference

on the promenade
cookie cutter blondes
all so alike
all so without

windows open
lights out
no depth
only bottled beauty
plastic masks have nothing to hide

life rattles on to the latest pop song
blaring from their ipods
some country girl
dolled up to fit the mold
and be the latest best thing

traffic blocks my car
like these shallow people
crowd my spirit
can't stand to be in another fake fest
hope i don't have to live here again
because i detest
this city of angels
overrun by ho's and faux's